I must admit that one of the last things I expected to hear at the beginning of this show was a harmonica - it was unique.

It was nice to see Commander Tucker being smart and assertive for a good portion of the show. Kaitaama's assumption that he would automatically follow her orders was expected but still done fairly well. Her "humanization", if you will, was gradual at least. While Commander Tucker sort of leaped in without a net and her charm was less than charming, he and she, though star-crossed, had a fairly appropriate, though expected, development of friendship. The swamp kissing scene did remind me of another show - can you say Sam and Diane?

Good things - Commander Tucker had to get Hoshi involved to help translate the language, unlike Next Gen. where they usually could take one look and know it all. Tucker wasn't all "good ole boy" - he had to have some gumption to get where he is and it's nice to see it. This episode shows some of why Captain Archer wanted him on board.

Bad things - while I like Commander Tucker, I am wondering - why all the stories about him. Another Doctor story would be good and we still haven't, in my estimation, had a good story that really focused on Travis. What's with that? And, as a person being trained to rule, wouldn't part of Kaitaama's training be self-defense and survival techniques for situations just like this? And where did Trip keep his universal translator when all he had on was his underwear?

Interesting things: The little "interrogation" scene once again proves that Vulcans can lie and that, to me, T'Pol is letting humans rub off on her. The landing of the escape pod reminded me of watching the Apollo missions return from the moon. And the alien ship reminded me of part of an the Empire's battle cruisers from Star Wars. Of course, there's FOOD again!!!

Great lines: "It isn't nice to stare." "Well, I'm afraid Earth isn't one of them." "You're welcome to step outside until I'm done."

Laurie's No-Nonsense Review

In brief: I tuned in for this?

======
"Precious Cargo"
Enterprise Season 2, Episode 11
Teleplay by David A. Goodman
Story by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga
Directed by David Livingston
Brief summary: When a repair mission turns into a trap, Trip finds
himself stuck protecting a high-and-mighty princess who was being
held hostage.
======

First, my apologies for being so behind with this review -- two and a
half weeks is about as late as I've ever been with such things. This
time, though, I've got a good reason -- in the series of storms that hit
the Bay Area in mid-December, my house was one of the lucky ones
that lost power for a full week. Needless to say, in light of situations
like that reviews can't be a top priority (especially when it's also the
last week of classes) ... but I figured it was worth taking a moment to
explain.

Hell, I could explain the situation for an hour and it'd be more
worthwhile than sitting through "Precious Cargo" again. Back in
November, I said that "Marauders" wasn't much more than generic
television -- were I sufficiently paranoid (and unaware of an episode's
lead time in filming), I'd wonder if "Precious Cargo" were made just
to show me what generic television *really* is.

Actually, "generic" isn't quite the right term here, as the show was
pretty clearly aiming to recall a very specific dynamic. You've got the
get-his-hands-dirty pilot and engineer who rescues a princess. The
princess, who was kidnapped while on a diplomatic mission, initially
feels nothing but scorn for this common scoundrel, but he wins her
over during some of the unlikeliest of moments.

Hmm. Where could I possibly have seen that before?

Oh, that's right. "Precious Cargo" was, from all appearances,
assembled according to the following recipe:

"Take every Han/Leia conversation in the original 'Star Wars' trilogy.
Then remove any traces of chemistry between your two lead actors,
and suck any and all wit out of the dialogue. Leave enough
catchphrases in that it'll be obvious you're doing the Star Wars bit,
though."

No, that's not a description of the romantic dialogue in "Attack of the
Clones" -- even "Precious Cargo"'s dialogue didn't manage to be
*that* bad. That's damning with awfully faint praise, though --
"Precious Cargo"'s main character interplay was basically a pale
knockoff of scenes and dialogue almost every regular Enterprise
viewer is going to know fairly well, and neither of the leads could do
anything but look awful in light of their predecessors. Connor
Trinneer, game though he may be, is no Harrison Ford ... and the less
said about Padma Lakshmi's performance here, the better.

Actually, since Lakshmi was so important to the success or failure of
the show, I think it's important to look at her performance a bit.
Unfortunately, the news isn't good: at least ninety percent of the time,
there was absolutely no sense from her dialogue or her demeanor that
the character was in the slightest danger, or even aware of her
surroundings. Naturally, in reality, they're all actors on a soundstage
reading lines ... but if we're made consciously aware of that fact
something's significantly wrong. Lakshmi's obviously quite young
and fairly new to the acting biz, so I'm inclined to cut her a little slack
-- but were I in her position, I don't think I'd be adding any of this
episode to my demo reel any time soon.

(In fairness, it could be that she's a perfectly decent actress who just
can't rise above material this lousy -- I'm usually fond of Natalie
Portman's work, for instance, but even I didn't buy the "Attack of the
Clones" dialogue. If so, though, she'd be advised to find good
material sometime Real Soon Now to let her show that she can
actually do the job. This episode won't do it.)

But enough about the "bickering opposites fall for each other"
approach a la Star Wars, Cheers, Moonlighting, and scores of other
cases. Was there a decent framework setting up that dynamic at
least?

Well ... no, not really. The Enterprise answers a distress call sent by
two aliens whose every line screams "we're being dishonest and
evasive," yet no one seems to be suspicious in the slightest. (There's
no sign of decon needed either, despite the fact that we've never seen
these aliens or their ships before ... but apparently the decon chamber
is only needed when one or more of the participants is suitably ... er
... endowed.) Once Trip's taken captive, what we instead get is a
lengthy sequence where Archer tries to trick Firek Plinn (one of the
two crooks, who's left behind on Enterprise) into revealing his ship's
warp frequency so they can be tracked. Plinn's informed by a stern
yet subdued Archer that the judicial administrator on board, T'Pol, is
known for her harsh punishments, and that the only way for him to
avoid a lingering death is to cooperate posthaste.

This play-acting isn't horrifically bad, but it's played so incredibly
broadly that anyone with the intellectual capacity of an eight-year-old
or higher should see through it for the ruse it is. Plinn, however,
seems to have the intellectual capacity of a seven-year-old, and so
babbles like a brook. Does the thought of such a deception give
T'Pol any pause? Does anyone have a word with Archer about the
way he deals with other species, both before and after a crisis of this
sort? Not that we're told -- because oh, it's so much more fun to hear
Trip do original things like call Princess ... pardon, First Monarch
Kaitaama things like "Your Sovereignty."

Ick.

Now, in fairness, "Precious Cargo" doesn't seem quite as bad to me
as "A Night in Sickbay" or "Carbon Creek" did, though I've got
friends who'd disagree. PC didn't go out of its way to offend me or
establish character idiocies with long-term impacts, unlike its
predecessors -- it was just so all-fired stupid that it actively sought out
brain cells to destroy. In the right mindset, that provides more
entertainment than the other two episodes above ... because if you're
of a mind to give an episode the MST3K treatment, there are few
better candidates. Suffice it to say that Lisa and I indulged ourselves.
For example:

Archer: "Meet me in Docking Port 2." Me: "Don't wear anything ...
complicated."

Trip (still dealing with the language barrier): "I'm from a starship.
Enterprise." Lisa, as the princess: "Enterprise? I've heard of you
people! <WHACK>"

Princess: "What will we do about food?" Me, as Trip: "Why d'ya
think I brung ya? I oughta last at least a week on those legs alone."

Archer: "Her punishment can be ... severe." Lisa: "Yeah -- you
might have to come back and guest star EVERY week."

Princess: "Now I spent my personal time in the company of my
father's advisors." Me: "One of them's named Grima, and the other
one keeps talking about his secure undisclosed location all the time.
You know the guys?"

The pair lands in the swamp. Lisa: "Oh, Yoda's gonna kick your
sorry asses..."

And when the Princess tells Trip to take off his uniform and starts
looking through the medical kit, we both came up with things pretty
instantly. Lisa went with the classics, going into the "nine packs of
chewing gum, three lipsticks, three pairs nylon stockings ... shoot, a
fella could have himself a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this
stuff" riff from Dr. Strangelove, while I simply went with one
sentence: "Hey ... this is decon gel."

Other minor observations:

-- So Trip's going to try to come back in 246 days when the princess
becomes First Monarch. Does anyone else have the sinking feeling
that he'll come back to find he's fathered a kid? (It might even be ...
wait for it ... Trip-lets. Sorry.)

-- A different friend of mine lost it from the moment the princess
ripped her skirt getting into the escape pod. "Okay, so any normal
person would've hiked the thing up," were her exact words, if I'm not
mistaken...

I'm not sure there's that much left to say -- I suspect I've already put
more time into writing this review than was spent on the episode.
"Precious Cargo" may not be quite the offensive drivel that "A Night
in Sickbay" was, but it was a lot more forgettable and trite -- and in
the long run, that may prove even more damning.

As I said last episode:
I remain convinced that _Enterprise_ can succeed at far above the
level of basic subsistence. I remain worried that no one's going to
bother making it do so.

'Nuff said.

Wrapping up:

Writing: Um ... show me some and I'll comment.
Direction: Nothing particularly horrid, but there's only so much you
can do with the material.
Acting: Apart from a line or two that Trinneer salvages, there's
nothing here to see. Avoid.

OVERALL: 3. No, thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

Enterprise is taken over, forcing Archer to consider the ultimate
solution. (No, not showing a rerun of this week...)

Tim Lynch (Castilleja School, Science Department)
tlynch@alumni.caltech.edu <*>
"You're my only hope of surviving here."
"Oh, COME ON..."
-- the Princess and every viewer watching
--
Copyright 2002, Timothy W. Lynch. All rights reserved, but feel free to ask...
This article is explicitly prohibited from being used in any off-net
compilation without due attribution and *express written consent of the
author*. Walnut Creek and other CD-ROM distributors, take note.

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